I returned from Second Nature's third winter retreat today. I'm tired, so much has happened, I only slept an hour last night. God has spoken so much at this conference, He has worked so much and I hope that my testimony of it will bring blessings unto others.
During this retreat I've gotten to know so many new people, but not only that I got to know many of the girls in my ministry and share with them. I'm so blessed by these girls and I was amazed by how much they'd grown when I wasn't looking. I reached out to others and they reached back to me. Sometimes I would stand there and pray to God that he would let others know that I'm suffering and bring them to me for comfort and love, but I realized God loved us first before we even knew Him. His love came first in our relationship and our love for others should be the same. It's not like in the world where we get to know someone first and then we begin to love them and they us. As Christians we must love people before even meeting them and upon meeting them reach out for them with that love and a heart to serve, for Jesus Christ came not to be serve but to serve.
The junior and senior girls were so amazing, they had prayer meetings every night from midnight to two or three in the morning and then another in the early morning. I only went to one of the prayer meetings but I was so surprised and so blessed by it. That night, twelve girls received the gift of tongues. I personally do not desire the gift of tongues because I feel that God did not mean it for me, it does not edify me in Christ and having it would only feed my pride. I was nervous when
I realized they were praying for gifts for people and requested that they not pray that I receive tongues but I prayed with them over the girls that wanted the gifts. I honestly was wary of what was happening and I prayed also that God would give all the girls discernment of good and evil that they may not be misled by the evil one. At one point it was actually too much for me and I had to sit back and just take a break. I listened to one of the girls praying in tongues. At first it was just nonsense sounds to me but I realized that she was actually praying in Chinese! I was so surprised! After she finished praying I approached her and asked if she knew what she was saying and she told me she didn't. I translated for her and she was so excited, it was a really amazing moment. After awhile we stopped praying for gifts and instead went on to prayer requests. I told the other girls about what had happened to me this last year and how much I was going through, it was really refreshing to tell others and not hold it all in. At the same time, they were telling me that they admired me and that I was so strong, but the whole time I felt " I'm not strong at all, I'm so broken by this, it is God who is strong and supporting me". After they prayed for me one of the girls told me that she had a vision while she was praying. She said that she saw a boat on the ocean casting a net onto the ocean and when they brought it up there were many fish, then she saw a heart shaped container made of glass colored red with a stopper in it and every time it emptied God would come and fill it up again. This was my first experience of the other girls prophesying. They finished with me and then we went on to the next request. I was so sad to hear what some of the other girls were struggling with and I realized how much we need each other as a body. While I was praying for one of the other girls I had a vision and it shocked me so much I actually stopped praying in surprise, I haven't had a vision since middle school shortly after becoming Christian. I continued praying for her and expressed what I saw and it coincided with a fair number of other people's vision. Eventually we did go to sleep, it was so amazing but exhausting in a way too. That night I also got to talk to DaEun a little and some of the other girls as well.
On the same note, I talked to one of my precious underclassmen who I hadn't seen in a long time. It took a lot to get her to tell me where she was with her walk and what she believed. She said that she had trouble with her faith and that it was hard for her to believe that God is a God who walks with us. She has had the gift of tongues before and even so, she said she felt that it was hard to believe. I really empathized with her because I am more logic minded and it's hard for me to trust that I'm not being emotionally manipulated into believing. She told me about this and I assured her that she was not alone in this. She told me that sometimes she felt that people were pressuring her to act a certain way with worship--that she had to raise her hand and cry during praise and have the gift of tongues to be considered faithful. I lament over this. I told her that worship should come from your heart and that it isn't represented by how much you cry or whether you raise your hands or not and that I believed that we shouldn't manipulate people into worshiping like that by turning down the lights and playing music which has an emotional effect on people. I was so broken by the fact that she felt the pressure to conform within the church. I was so sad that she thought tongues was necessary for worship and for becoming closer to God. It destroyed me to know that her faith in God was being compromised in such a way and I plead with anyone who reads this that they will not fall to that idea and beg that will not pressure others to receive to receive tongues for it does not edify the body but is now breaking us into factions of charismatics and non-charismatics. It breaks my heart to acknowledge it but I feel this in my church and my relationship with my best friend and I see a need for us to be unified as one church, one body with many different gifts that will go out to the world and show them God's love.
I learned so much during this conference about God, about myself and about others. But I feel that is meant for another post. I implore you brothers and sisters, do not judge each other for the gifts that you have and have not, just love each other the way Jesus loved you.
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